Okay...I'm sorry if I'm freaking out.
I mean, here I am, hands shaking, hair flying in my face, hardly able to stand on my own two feet.
Ihad always been level headed, always the logical thinker. Allthroughout high school my friends would constantly rely on me and mypretty little thoughts that calmed them during the most stressful oftimes.
I was also the friend--for some reason--that men would sharetheir feelings with, how much they loved me, how much they spent theirdays dreaming of us.
Those were the times I regretted. I couldn't make them happy. I couldn't force myself to love them back as hard as I tried.
Trust me. I pushed myself to think I loved a man once and it was only that much difficult when I had to call it over--
--Especially when they're your best friend in high school.
I remember Adam...we had spent days together, our whole summers hanging out and making jokes.
I had only dated a couple people before him, and I'll be honest, experimented kissing a girl.
C'mon women, stop beating around the bush.
It's okay to kiss women, I didn't do it to find my sexual preference, I like my men, but I did it just for fun.
You only live once right?
And it was a kiss, in sophomore year, it was nothing.
Anyway...back to Adam.
Wehad met in freshmen year--so long ago--in science class as partners. Weaced the class and in doing so had become friends. Soon he had startedto visit quite a lot, my parents approved of him, he came from a..let'ssay a well off family. Better than mine, always scraping for the nextmeal.
His parents didn't really approve me, only so much as felt pity for me so they let me visit anytime I desired.
I didn't understand our parents at the time, but now i know they were waiting for Adam and I to hold hands and finally hook up.
Well..Ican say it happened...in senior year of high school. I was planning onmoving far away, to the country and live in a small town like I oncehad when I was younger.
Adam of course was dependent on me as wasevery other friend I had at the time, but I ignored them, continuing mydreams of owning a small farm. Some horses to ride, cows to milk, andchickens to feed and get free eggs from.
I love eggs...but I digress..
Adamasked me out as a way of keeping me in the city, so I could go tocollege with him, live with him and live happily every after. Whatever.
I'mnot those best friends you see in the movies. Best friends with a guybut she is really in love with the jock or the bad boy and tosses theirbest friend aside until they realize they actually love their bestfriend and go on the path with them.
I had only three crushes inhigh school. Erin, who was my first date in freshmen year, a jock butthat was quickly over when he tried tying me down in his backyard andhave his way with me.
My shoulders shiver as I licked my chapped lips.
Thenthere was Michael, my second date that same year. He was sweet, a bitof a nerd but what I couldn't stand was how clingy he was. Literally hewould wait outside of class for me every period, which was sweet thefirst day...but for five months? It was enough to call it quits.
I hadn't dated anyone since then until Adam, but I'll never forget my other crush, the one that got away.
Or moved away and took a piece of my heart with him.
Hisname was Nicholas. He was a popular guy, not really the jock and notreally the bad boy. He was just a delicate balance who had manyfriends, but from what I observed, kept them at a distance. He neverwent to their parties, never dated too many women. He just came toschool, did his daily routine, and disappear.
Until one day hedisappeared permanently. He and I were friends by the hinges, notspending time everyday like Adam and I do, but we would have classestogether where we would joke, talk, and dream of getting out of thistown. He was my only friend who encouraged me to follow my dream to owna farm, I know it's not like being an astronaut, but it was something Ienjoyed and don't want to give up. Nicholas understood that.
Then one day he shared with me that he was moving.
No phone number to call? No address to visit? Nothing.
Even though he was my crush, he was still my friend, I set that as my first priority above my feelings.
Whenhe didn't show up in class for the rest of senior year, my heart wentout to him wherever he was. I cried only once for him, a short sessionof three minutes, and when Adam asked me to date him it was time tomove on and try and make myself happy. I never--even to thisday--thought of Adam as that but I got passed myself and accepted. Weonly went out for seven months.
I fought so long to make Adamhappy, i brought him gifts, showered him with kisses and affection. Hedid the same except more passionate kisses that I forced myself torespond to.
Until one day at lunch he actually saw me.
I guess Iwas falling into a wreck, he said I was still beautiful but that I waspaler, eyes darker and wider and I was becoming thinner. My hair, nomatter how much I styled it, was frayed at the ends and damp.
"What's the matter with you, Ebs?" Adam had asked after pointing out my flaws in my appearance as of late.
I had shrugged, toying with my food with my plastic fork.
"Eboni," Adam implored, reaching over and taking my hand. "Please tell me."
Atthat moment I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was depressed, myheart squeezing with false emotions I had for Adam. Making him happywas draining me and leaving me miserable. He wasn't the one I was meantto be with.
I had glanced at Adam's clear green eyes, our gazeslocking and there he read my sadness. Read my soul and became my bestfriend, knowing my thoughts and finishing my sentences.
"Is..is it about us?" he asked me, inching his hand away.
Ilet him. I didn't fight to reach for it back. I simply sat there,averting my eyes so he couldn't read anymore. But that was all heneeded.
Adam nodded, always understanding and knowing me better than myself. He was mt best friend after all.
"Kay. I didn't know you were so miserable. Why'd you say yes, then?" he continued to question me.
Thecafeteria felt cold, a breeze blowing through us. I felt us becomeseparate, indifferent. Our friendship was falling out of my control. Iwas already losing him and I didn't know where he was gonna end up.
Isighed finally and answered with tears prickling my eyes, "You hadalways been there for me. Always listened to me. You're the best frienda person could ever have. And I wanted to return the favor. I wanted tomake you happy...that's why I said yes..."
He had blinked, his green eyes that I always saw so vividly became faint, clouded by the severed friendship I had broken.
"Youcould have returned it by just being my friend then, Eboni. You led meon and...broke me...it's uncool Ebs. You should've known better," hehissed at me.
I took it, because it was my fault and I deserved it.
Ididn't expect him to get up and leave without another word. I figuredhe would come back and be my friend again. We had spent so many daystogether, so many hours wasted by our jokes and pranks on one another.But I had made a mistake that couldn't be forgiven.
I had lost my best friend that day. He never spoke to me again and I had become a loner for the rest of the year.
Hewas gone, my heart had shattered that day. I cried for weeks and threwout everything that he had gotten me in our years of friendship. All ofit was garbage.
If he forgot me so easily then i would leave him in my past and nothing else.
Ihad never spoke of him again for six more years. Had never had anotherthought. I moved on with my life, got back into the rhythm of datingonly to be met with frozen good-byes from either them or me.
Until now..
As I sit here, in my spacious apartment, hugging myself to hold all of my pieces together.
Ineeded Adam now more than ever. I needed my best friend to call out ajoke or a clumsy stunt I had done. I needed him to make me laugh andease my worries.
I needed him because I was dating a nightmare, I was in love with a monster....
..Andno matter how frightened I am, not matter how tattered I feel rightnow, I was still in love with him and would see this through.
To Be Continued...
Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:21 am by mianmani
Subject: Who Cried Wolf? Page 1 
